Wait, did I spell that right?

7 Pounds Down!

LAST.FUGGIN.DAY.

We meet again…

Image

Proud to report that I’ve lost 7 pounds and this is my last day in purgatory. Here is a recap of the last 4 days.

Day 4 – Bananas and Skim Milk
On this day, you can have as many as 8 bananas and however many glasses of skim milk you can handle. I woke up and drank a big glass of milk with a banana, drank my black coffee, and scooted to work. It was nice to have a break from veggies. For a snack I had…. a banana. For lunch, I ate the soup and drank a glass of milk (sounds pretty gross but I chugged that shiz). For a snack, I ate…. a banana. Finally, for dinner I ate a banana, soup, and…. a glass of milk for zert.

Day 5 – BEEF
This is a rather peculiar day. I bought thin cut beef and decided to make a stir fry with red and yellow onions. You are supposed to eat tomatoes with the beef but I just couldn’t. So I substituted onions.

I cut the beef into strips (think Mongolian beef style), seasoned it with pepper and Tony’s no salt seasoning, browned the meet with a little olive oil and garlic in a pan, and put the onions and beef together in a stir fry wok pot. I ate this throughout the day (no more than 20 ounces of beef). That sounds like a lot but trust me, it goes fast! I was practically a monster. For dinner, I just skipped out. I couldn’t bring myself to eat the soup.

DAY 6 – Beef and Veggies
I used the leftover beef that I made on day 5 and ate it with a bowl of Broccoli for lunch. For dinner, I had a little beef and a bowl of the soup. These past two days I drank A LOT of water because the fat in the beef is pretty salty.

FUGGIN CHEATER! Today I cheated and ate some strawberries and an apple for a snack. Also, I drank a Diet Dr. Pepper. Whoops.

LAST DAYYYYY – Brown Rice and Veggies
This morning I had some black coffee for breakfast and… a granola bar. I COULDN’T HELP IT OK? I FELT WEAK!

For lunch, I plan on sauteing some onions and mushrooms and eating that with brown rice, maybe some soup. For dinner, prob the same thing. After that, I am DONE SON! Wahoooooooooooooooooo.

I think I can I think I can.

 

Advertisements

DAYZED 2 and 3

As I begin day 4, I am encouraged that the scale reading, which was —.- lbs when I began, now reads a full 3 pounds less! I am happy that my torture hasn’t been for nothing. I know that the obvious judgement to make about this whole ordeal is that I will just gain the weight right back. Well I say FUG YOU!  And thanks for the Fuggin confidence.

My goal with this horrific diet is to cleanse myself of some bad habits [not drinking enough water, using salt and artificial sweeteners, drinking soft drinks, not eating enough vegetables, yada yada]. Did I say that already?

Day 2 was the most challenging day so far because I am not the biggest fan of raw veggies. I can eat a bowl of steamed veggies with the best of them but raw veggies? No thanks. So it wasn’t the easiest day because there weren’t many snack options around the office. I was acutely aware of what everyone in the office had for snacks the entire day. And the sound of chip and snack wrappers have never been so loud. The only silver lining was that I was allowed to have a sweet potato with dinner, which I devoured!

Someone asked me, “Why dont you just juice?” Well, because I am too poor to buy a juicer you BRAT!

Day 3 was like heaven compared to Day 2. I grazed on yummy fruit all day with the soup for meals. I also ate a bushel of Asparagus. That was awesome for my tee tee.

4 more days to go!

Have I Told You Lately That I Hate You?

Its funny what can change in a few days. As I started my diet and am now on day 2, I am sad to report that not much has changed in the ass area. However, whats funny is how much joy I have realized that food brings me (which is what got me here in the first fuggin place). I recognize this joy in its excruciating absence. While my coffee and hazelnut creamer with a granola bar used to bring me so much pleasure in the morning, it has been replaced with black coffee and water. I ACTUALLY looked forward to the black coffee today because at least it was SOMETHING. 

Day 1 of my 7 day hell consisted of ONLY fruit and cabbage soup. I enjoyed yummy Watermelon, Strawberries and Blueberries for breakfast but then had to endure the rest of the day with Cabbage Soup for meals. Oh yea, I had an apple for a snack. I tried to end the torture early by going to bed at 7 pm. 

Here is what I have to look forward to for the rest of the week.

Image

 

Fat-ass Ass

Im sure everyone has tried a “crash diet” at some point in their lives. Whether it is getting ready for an event, wedding, or bikini season, we humans love short-cuts when it comes to dieting. Or is it just me? After hearing me complain about being fat for the 100th time, my roommate made an excellent suggestion, The Cabbage Soup Diet. The details of this rigorous and gruesome plan can be found here.

 

For the next 7 days, I will be conducting an experiment that involves the complete torture of my will power. Hopefully, I will be able to decrease my fat-ass ass. Yea you read that right. It wasn’t a typo. Certain concerns have arose from a certain skeptical someone (Dr. Sam). Sam seems to think that I will just put the weight right back on after the 7 days. On the contrary my dear doctor, the cabbage soup EXPERT says that hypnosis is the only way to keep the weight off. So I am currently shopping around for a good hypnotist.

 

This should be interesting. Stay tuned. 

This is how you pizz in a bush

Image

My brother teaching my nephew where it is appropriate to relieve yourself.

NOT THE WISTERIA!!!!!!!!

Dog Shit Selfies

Image

Image

Image

Flashing the Carpool Line

I was a twisted child. That should come to no surprise. My mother recently reminded me of my strange behavior during toddlerhood that involved flashing birth pictures to my brother’s entire carpool line.

Picking up my older brother from school was the highlight of my day during those years. My mother and I used to arrive to my brother’s school with my bare feet hanging out of the window. I guess I was jealous that my brother got to go to school while I was stuck at home with nobody to play with me. Making the carpool line as painful as possible was a bonus activity.

One day, while snooping through my parents bookshelf, enjoying a snack of DunkAroosI came across a rather peculiar book titled The Miracle of Birth The book was filled with terrifying images. One, in particular, I thought was necessary to share with the carpool line that day.

Image

My mother claims that I did serious damage to the innocent children that were subjected to the image. WHATEVER MOM!