The term, Granny, suggests feelings of endearment towards one’s mother’s mother. And why wouldn’t we all feel these feelings about our grandmothers? I would first like to say that I love both of my grandmothers, they are lovely women. Both are for sure one-of-a kind. Especially, Tully.
Tully is not her given name. When asked why her grandchildren call her Tully, she will tell you that her cocker spaniel, Willy (may he rest in peace), named her Tully. Her real name is Stewart, and when she met my grandfather, he said, “Stewart? that’s a man’s name! I might as well call you Cam.” And from that day on, that’s what he called her, Cam, along with everyone else (except her grandchildren).
So my grandmother, Stewart aka Cam aka Tully, is truly one-of-a-kind you see. And if you don’t believe me, ask her. Before I go into any more detail about Tully, I want you to picture the character, Weezer, from Steel Magnolias. Got it?
Tully is the self proclaimed authority on all things. Again, just ask her. Especially when determining who and who isnt a “redneck.” She loves making “fancy” meals, singing in the church choir, and gardening with her semi-famous gay best friend, Brian. He designs gardens. She also has an accent that you have to be from the south to understand. Its not just southern, but “old southern.” Suzanna is pronounced, suzannaahhhh. It is almost like every word has an extra syllable, to further emphasize her authority. She starts most of her sentences with, “Ill have you know, that…”
According to Tully, You might be a Redneck if:
1. You cook caseroles
2. You aren’t Episcopalian
3. You eat ketchup on your steak (or you prefer that your red meat is cooked any other temperature other than rare)
4. You have never traveled to France or Italy (no other countries matter)
5. You have ever used fake flowers, EVER
6. You light candles in the day time
7. You wear your hair any other way than a bob cut before the age of 6
8. You like ice in your wine
9. You went to Auburn University
10. You match your candles to your flower arrangements
11. You refer to a residential bathroom as a “restroom.” “THIS IS NOT A FILLING STATION”
12. You eat hot dogs or macaroni and cheese
13. You are a Republican
Neurotically Anonymous 